Touched by loss. Empowered through community.

Twinges

Date: 
Monday, September 17, 2012
Posted By: 
Wendy

I delivered both of my babies via c-section.  The last one was 3.5 years ago.  The biting pain I experienced afterwards has long subsided and the incision has neatly healed over.  The majority of the time, I don’t even think about it.  However, every once in a while, if I move a certain way, I feel a definite twinge in the area of the scar.  Sometimes it happens when I’ve made a move that bothered it before but other times it catches me completely off guard.   

The same is true for my widowhood scar.  The intense pain I lived with right after Chris died has lessened with time and I have been on a healing journey ever since.  But I can still be shaken to my core at the most unexpected times by a memory or a seemingly benign event.  Like Harry Potter, I can feel my widowhood scar twinge every time Voldemort--I mean--grief is near.  And like my c-section scar, the twinge stops me in my tracks. 

I plan ahead for the full-on kick-in-the-stomach events that I know will be difficult like deathiversaries, birthdays, and first days of school. I stock up on chocolate, buy extra Kleenex and even schedule some additional child care for these times.  But I sometimes feel completely helpless when those smaller twinges happen.  When I see a dad at a Saturday morning dance class or sing a song in church that Chris loved or hear the NFL football music, I find myself fighting back tears as the widowhood scar begins to twinge.

It astounds me that I’m not better at expecting these moments by now.  I used to get frustrated by their inconvenient and inappropriate intrusion into my everyday life.  I did not appreciate being reminded that I had a dead husband when I wasn’t prepared to remember. But very recently, I have begun to respect these twinges for what they are—snapshots of the love I experienced. 

The longer I am on this widowhood journey, the more I realize that I am really lucky.  Yes, I said lucky.  I’m lucky that I have those experiences to flash back to.  Just as the twinge of my c-section scar reminds me that I have experienced great love as a mother as a result of the pain, the twinge of my widowhood scar reminds me that my pain now is the result of my great love as a wife.  That does indeed make me lucky.

Comments

Yes! Yes! Yes! What would be really sad would be to have none of these snapshots. Well said, Wendy, thanks for being open to love and generously sharing this beautiful outlook.

I lost my husband just one week ago. The pain is still very fresh. Thank you for this post. It sounds awful, but you have given me something to look forward to.

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