Touched by loss. Empowered through community.

Slowly Recovering

Date: 
Monday, February 8, 2016
Posted By: 
Kris

Slowly Recovering

 

I don’t know when or where I was when it happened, but looking back… I realize it did. 

The Angry Monster retreated. 

In the early days of loss, everything broke, I mean everything! Lawnmower, microwave, vacuum cleaner, dishwasher spewed out smoke, flat tire going to church (of all places!), our internet kept dropping the connection, and on and on. I truly felt that every household appliance reached the end of its lifespan at the same time my husband did. For appliances, 20 years isn’t too bad. For vows that were meant to be forever, 20 years was not nearly enough.  

I did not handle these little issues very well. I was fuming! Every time something happened I thought are you freaking kidding me?? Burying my husband was not enough? Comforting my children who go to bed crying because their Dad died isn’t enough? The stupid lightbulb has to burn out too?

When I finally addressed these issues, and went to buy the new item or replace the light bulb or call my brother and ask for help with a repair, tears were streaming. It wasn’t fair. I was exhausted. These are not my jobs. My husband was the one who was good at this type of stuff. My husband is supposed to be helping me.

The other day, I realized that I wasn’t getting quite as mad anymore.  I had subconsciously put these little annoyances back where they belong, in the category of little annoyances. They were no longer heaped into the pile of grief, anger and unfairness that they once were in. In that category, I thought that one more little annoyance would most certainly break me.

The storm of rage is now a dull roar. It took me four years to get to this point.  I’m not happy being a widow, I am not happy that my kids don’t have a Dad, but I am also not happy being ‘not happy’.  I still get annoyed, but not like I did in those early days.  I am now able to perceive these trivialities as what they truly are, meaningless daily occurrences.  I handle them because I have to, and I move on. And I get to choose all by myself how to feel about them.

The Angry monster has not won.    

 

Comments

I think every widow can relate to this. Great blog.

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