Touched by loss. Empowered through community.

Sacred Space

Sunday, December 15, 2013
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I look out my kitchen window.  I see a neighbor hanging Christmas lights on his house.  My breath stops for a second.  I am reminded of John.  Oh how I miss him but more than that I remember him with appreciation.  He always did so much for us, such a good man.

His loss is felt deeply this time of year.  It will be four years on Thursday.  His birthday a week later.  The first two years at Christmas there was an enormous pile of presents under the tree.  Somehow my thinking was skewed that presents will distract us from the empty spot around the tree.  No amount of toys or my love will fill the void left in my sons' hearts by their father.  What I can do for them is to give them what they need (and a little of what they want)--fantastic male role models and all my love and support.  

I can't fill the hole my husband left. Nothing can.  Honestly, I don't think we are supposed to.  The devastating loss that leaves a hole in your heart becomes a sacred space.  I want to honor it as such.  A place reserved for cherished memories, connection, and love.  It is a gift when we open that space up and share it with others.  It can be a refuge on the lonely night.  

It is now a part of who we are.  It shaped and changed us.  I can't remove that loss from my children's heart or from mine, but I can show them how to honor their loss.  We choose to honor John by living and loving.  His spirit is encouraging us to squeeze as much out of life as we can and give all the love we have.  Tomorrow is not promised, as we know all too well.  This moment is all we have.  

We are creating new normals.  Each year these new normals tend to evolve and that's ok too.  As I continue to heal and grow, so do my needs and desires.  As Christmas comes, the most valuable presents I give are not the ones under the tree.  They are gifts from my heart.  The ones from my sacred space.  So instead of many presents, we have more experiences.  We get out there and taste life.  

My loss didn't close my heart to love.  It broke it open to see love in everything.  My love only continues to grow.  I will carry that love with me wherever I go and infuse it in all I do.  But the truth might be that it is his love that carries me. 


♥ I Empathize, with your experience, at the same time, reminded of my Beloved Mother, who recently left her Earth-Suit (unexpectedly~aneurysm), I'm Moved by your words of Hope, Inspiration, Symphony, & Action! One of the last conversations we had (she was a PhD in Psych, & we spoke, every Saturday night, @ 9pm) *He sheds, joyful tears, remembering her LOVE*, was about the Beliefs we held, in regards to transitioning, & I thanked her, for teaching me, that "Nothing disappears, in the Universe, it only changes form"...after she passed, I remembered her talking about the Butterfly/Caterpillar metaphor, & I spoke about both, through an abundance of tears, at her memorial... As a Compassion/Empathy Coach, & former Pro Athlete, LMK, if any of my expertise/empathy, can Make Your Lives, more Wonderful...Emaste' (Emaho+Namaste') SiMBa (Spirit/Mind/Body, with inspiration & abudnance) aka Tony Scruggs

Beautifully comforting words, thank you for opening and sharing your heart with us....sending you and your boys loving and peaceful vibes!! I'm sure that John is so very proud of you and the boys and is with you especially during this time of the're all in my prayers.

Thank you for your beautiful words. It is so hard to honor the holes in our hearts instead of trying to make them go away. Ay 2 years into this journey, I struggle to remember that consistently. My late husband Bruce's gift to us/me is to slow down and just be, not always doing. It is a lesson I still need him here to teach me. My girls were 2.5 when he died, and I wonder how best to teach them to honor what they have no real memories of. My/out stories seem insufficient to such a task.....

I cant imagine the pain you must have gone through Jodi. Your words are so comforting - I will be sharing with some friends who struggle during this time of the year. Wishing for you - more experiences and continued healing and growth. Feeling so happy that we met at the WOF tea! Your light for John really shines. xoxo ~ K

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