Touched by loss. Empowered through community.

Rollercoaster

Date: 
Monday, December 8, 2014
Posted By: 
Kris Lucas

As you peer through the fog, your mind tries to clear.
What just happened?
How did I get here?
Suddenly, you realize, you’ve been strapped in a seat.
In the distance, you hear voices - expressing their grief.
“Wait!”
“I didn’t want this!”
You hear yourself scream, as your heart starts to race.
“Someone get me the hell out of this place!”
“I’m sorry, Mam.” Then, the ride starts to move.
“But I want to get off – I didn’t get to choose!”
You tear at the straps, try to break free.
“This isn’t the way it was supposed to be!”
But now grief has its hold, you must succumb.
You give in to the pain….and move towards the numb.

Many widows have expressed that the grief journey is like a roller coaster. Ups, downs, unforeseen twists and turns. Unfortunately, it’s a ride we can’t get off – it will always be with us.

I have learned through my journey, that at some point, at different times in the ride for all of us – we do regain some control. We can control our speed, and we can control which way we turn. Do we stay in the decline? Or, do we tackle new things and begin our ascent? Do we reach out to others? Or, do we introvert? Those decisions are up to us.
Each and every day, we might choose differently, and that’s ok too. Many times, it may even feel like we have reversed directions, or that we are on a journey to nowhere. At these times, we re-evaluate and force the rollercoaster back in a forward motion, maybe not immediately, but when we are ready to do so.

I read some articles like this on other blog sites and in some of the many grief books I have checked out of the library, in my own search for answers. I really didn’t buy it. Maybe it happened for other people? I wasn’t convinced that I would ever have control over anything again. My husband lost his battle with cancer, my kids lost their Dad, what could be worse? It was obvious I had control over nothing. Then slowly, I began to realize that I was taking control, little by little. I was making more decisions than I ever thought I could, all by myself.

None of us wanted to get on this rollercoaster, neither did our children. We would never have chosen ‘this ride’. But, we are strapped in and incapable of getting off. Gaining some control and deciding, just a little bit, whether we go up or down, whether we turn right or left, can help make the ride a little less painful and a lot less powerless.

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