Touched by loss. Empowered through community.

Reflection

Date: 
Monday, January 30, 2017
Posted By: 
Birte

It has been one and a half years after the death of my husband, Tim. While part of me wanted to have someone again, a partner, someone to love, I didn’t look forward to the path of getting there. I’d had someone already, why did I have to go through dating again? The way I got over that was I decided that it was, in the end, exciting to meet someone new. Now I have been online dating for some time, I haven’t found anyone that clicks. At first I was nervous meeting new people as I had the anticipation that we might work out. However after many first dates I became frustrated and took a break. I found myself wondering if I was ready. What does that actually mean? I still think of him daily, and wish he would be able to see our daughter grow up. He never got to meet her, but he knew she was coming. Tim had bipolar disease and committed suicide while I was pregnant. Sometimes I am still angry that he did it, and that he never warned me. Perhaps this is why I have not been able to truly be ready for someone new. I have to somehow figure out how to forgive him. So interesting, how could forgiveness be important?  My therapist said, the cards were stacked so high against him. I agree, there was the stress of becoming a father, being long distance with me, the pressure of finishing his PhD in order to be with us, the daily rigor of work as a basic scientist in a very difficult field Neuroscience…and probably the most important one, his psychiatric disease.

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