Touched by loss. Empowered through community.

Miracles Continued

Sunday, August 11, 2013
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I refer to the last year of my husbands life as the year of miracles.  That year we had so many wonderful experiences that didn't normally happen.  We saw more family, did more things, had the best year of our marriage.  It was as if he knew his time was coming to a close.  He died unexpectedly and suddenly in December 2009.  The astonishing thing is that year of miracles just seems to continue for the ones he loved and left behind.  I travel more than ever, found my life's purpose, my kids are in the best school, and more wonderful opportunities continue to present themselves to us. 

I just returned from a vacation in the north woods with his family.  A trip they have been taking for over 40 years.  This year was about 30 people including aunts, uncles, cousins, his mom, dad, and sister.  John was never able to attend when we were together, being in the construction business, but this was his kind of trip.  I could almost hear him razzing his cousins about who caught the biggest fish.  He used to talk about going on this trip often and how much he missed going. 

In moments it was very hard to be there without him.  His absence was felt by everyone.  I sat outside on the porch swing looking out at the water, shedding a few tears.  Being there made me just miss him so much yet so happy to watch his kids have the same experiences he so enjoyed, shared with the same people.  These are those moments of healing.  As the pure pain of loss bubbles to the surface and you can find the beauty inside of the pain.  The bittersweet moments when I feel he should be here and I feel the whisper of his touch on my shoulder saying I am.  His cousin joins me and we share the pain of our loss. 

The kids and I have been enveloped with love from John's family.  His cousins stepped up and took the boys fishing, wave running, and four wheeling.  They were in heaven.  John always took care of us and I know this is an extension of that.  Of course I would trade it all to have him back but that is not possible, and so I appreciate all the amazing things in our life.  I can feel how happy he is to see us enjoying our life so much.

He might not have been there in his physical presence like we want but he was there.  He was in the eagle 15 feet away from the fishing boat that carried his son, sister, and father.  Just as he was the dragonfly that landed on my kayak.  He was the miracle moment for my son to catch the biggest fish and he is the connection of love that brought us all there.

So as our magical week in the woods was coming to a close we lit lanterns and sent wishes to heaven, and I can feel John laughing because he's standing right with us not somewhere up in the sky. 


Jodi, my John died unexpectedly in December of '09, as well. And his family goes to the north woods in Michigan every year. It so hard being up there without him. Watching out children do the same things he did when he was growing up. Your posting was so true and similar to what I feel. The blessings and miracles are all around us. And yes, he is everywhere. Thank you for your words. I love knowing women are around that sound like me. Women that I could talk with and never feel like they think I am crazy. Thank you Claire

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