Touched by loss. Empowered through community.

Mine Would Be You

Monday, July 10, 2017
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Mine Would Be You

As I start this week, I am consumed with thoughts of Joe. I hate this time of year. It’s tangled up in so many thoughts of duality. I met Joe on July 16, 1994. I lost him 14 years later on the very same day, July 16, 2008. It’s hard to fathom that I have lived the last 9 years without him. How is that even possible? It seems like a lifetime ago. I don’t remember what it was like when he was here, or what it’s like not to be a solo parent. I can’t remember the last time I felt like I was myself, a self that will never be again. I have evolved and re-evolved so many times in the last nine years. And yet I seem stuck in a life that was meant to be but can never be again.

Yesterday I was driving alone in my car, a pretty rare thing. A song I have heard many times before came on the radio- a song by Blake Shelton called “Mine Would Be You.”  If you aren’t familiar with it, it’s a song about love, regret, heartache.  I’ve heard it many times before. But, for some reason, it brought me to “I have to pull over to cry my eyes out” sobbing yesterday. The words spoke to me and cut through me at the same time. The duality of how you can love and lose someone... how they can be your greatest happiness and your deepest pain. How you can have and lose everything.

One particular verse broke me:  “What’s the greatest chapter in your book? Are there pages where it hurts to look? What’s the one regret you can’t work through? You got it baby, mine would be you.” And there it is… the duality. Because the greatest chapter in my book was him...and it hurts to look back, see where he exited my story. It hurts like hell. I don’t know the ending to MY story, but I know the end of when he was in it.  I try and try to write what will happen next, but the truth is, the blank pages ahead of me are yet to be filled. I want them to be happy, fulfilling, and hopefully, free from regret. The reality (and duality) of life is that they may also be filled with sadness, pain and what ifs.

I try to make the most of each day I have. Some days I succeed, and some I fail miserably. I don’t know that it would be any different, or easier, if he were here. I just know I have to keep trying. The reason I go forward, with scars on my heart, a fighting spirit, a need to be better, and an awareness that many people don’t have? Well, Joe, mine would be you…


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