Touched by loss. Empowered through community.

Lone Wolf

Date: 
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Posted By: 
Becky Lichucki
The Lone Wolf is what I often feel like when we go out to functions.  Observant of everything around me.  All of the happy families--the complete families. 
 
I reminded myself that we are a happy family, we are just not complete.   My breath caught in my chest as a tear spilled down my cheek.  I lifted my camera to my eye to hide the tear.
 
It took every ounce of strength I could muster to suck it up and smile.  The problem is that I am so completely exhausted by sucking it up.   The alternative is far worse.  I don't want Munchkin to think that he is the reason that I am sad.  So I pull in another breath slowly and lower the camera and smile at him.  Big and Proud. 
 
I will ignore the fact that it is my birthday and that I am sitting alone at his first piano recital.  I will ignore the fact that even though I am a musician, that  I am not his father who was a BRILLIANT pianist.  I will ignore the child who gets to play a duet with their father for the recital, and I WILL myself not to imagine Robert playing with Munchkin as he did for so many of his students.  I will concentrate on the fact that Munchkin is enthralled by music and loves to play,  I will concentrate on the fact that he gets up early and heads straight to the piano.  I will choose to look at all of the positive things. 
 
Munchkin deserves my 100% attention.  I am aware that I am only one person and that I am 100% responsible for him, however, that should not be his worry.   Perhaps if I focus on the positive, then I will not feel like the Lone Wolf next time? 

Maybe, just maybe, I can dig deep enough that my heart doesn't hurt.

Comments

Thank you so much for this post. My husband could talk to anyone about anything. I, on the other hand, am shy around strangers or those I don't know well. I have been to a few school functions with my freshman son. He, understandably, wants to be around his friends and not his mom. I end up sitting on the sidelines with a book and watch families and friends all greet and talk to each other. Once in a while, I try to strike up a conversation, but I'm not good at it and feel very uncomfortable. So I will do my best to get used to being a Lone Wolf. I will sit by myself and enjoy the concert/award ceremony/play or whatever else my son is in and be proud of all he is accomplishing. Then as I am waiting for him alone, I will think of all the accomplishments I have made this past year and be proud of me too. And whenver I get the chance, I will invite a friend to join me and hope is she available.

Add new comment