Touched by loss. Empowered through community.

IT

Date: 
Monday, March 4, 2013
Posted By: 
Scott Bauer

Scott lost his wife, Lauri, to a sudden heart arrhytmia two years ago. Since her passing, Scott, has started a foundation in her name, The Lauri S. Bauer Foundation for Sudden Loss. The foundation subsidizes various programs including grief counseling and other forms of support required for a physical and spiritual journey of recovery. Scott lives with his three sons in the northern suburbs.

New members to our club often ask me; "When will IT get better?  Will IT EVER get better?"  I still consider myself a recent member to this club even though my wife passed away just over 2 years ago, but my answer is honest, truthful and never sugar coated.  "Yes, IT will get better.  IT will also, at times, feel worse."

Our days seem endlessly long but time still passes the same as before.  The clock actually does move at the same pace every single day but IT can make a day feel like an eternity.  Every day seems like we need to hold IT together for our kids, families and friends, then at night IT rears its ugly head. 

IT affects me most when something happens to one of my kids, good or bad.  Remember, we are ONLY parents, not single parents.  There is a huge difference.  Who do we share our happiness and letdowns with?  Who can we laugh with or whose shoulder can we cry on?  How can we manage the setbacks and disappointments our children face when we have difficulty with our own?  I just want to be able to share IT with the one person who I can't share IT with.

People, including friends, relatives, grief counselors, psychologists, doctors, etc... refer to the "new normal."  I'll tell you what the new normal is - a bunch of B.S.  The reality is that there will never be a normal again.  That's not to say that life can't or won't be happy again; it certainly can and hopefully will be for all of us.  But IT will be with us the rest of our lives.  Sure, as time passes IT will be easier to deal with; maybe not easier to accept, but easier to deal with.

So what is this two lettered word that is a life changer and so scary?  According to Webster’s Dictionary, the word IT is described as:

that one —used as subject or direct object or indirect object of a verb or object of a preposition usually in reference to a lifeless thing.  Ex: took a quick look at the house and noticed it was very old,  

OR

a crucial or climactic point.  Ex: this is it

These are what I believe, in no particular order, to be the real definitions of the word IT:

  1. fear
  2. stress
  3. loneliness
  4. panic stricken
  5. confused
  6. anxious
  7. nervous
  8. worrisome
  9. restlessness
  10. agitated

The list can go on and on but I’m sure you see my point.  So the next time you are playing “Words with Friends” or “Scrabble,” or someone refers to something as IT, take a deep breath, think of all the wonderful memories that you have of your loved one, put a big smile on your face, and say to yourself,

I CAN DO THIS.  I CAN’T MAKE IT GO AWAY, BUT I WILL DO EVERYTHING IN MY POWER TO MOVE FORWARD AND LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST.

 

Comments

I also lost my husband to a sudden heart arrhythmia two years ago and each day I still feel like IT just happened. Your post resonated with me, especially the part about the new normal b.s. All of those definitions you refer to are very real to me.

It's so nice to hear someone else say all the things I've been thinking myself. Thank you so much again for sharing.

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