Touched by loss. Empowered through community.

Heaviness

Date: 
Monday, December 18, 2017
Posted By: 
Becky

Heaviness

 

There is a heaviness to this season that I have not felt in years.  

From May 26th to July 8th my mother gracefully battled cancer.  The day she was diagnosed we knew she did not have long.  It was a swift and all encompassing cancer that engulfed her. She was graceful and courageous and did not ever give up.  She was to everyone she encountered.  She never spoke to us of dying and there was no sadness while she was alive-only laughter and grace.  

I had no way of knowing that last Christmas was her last.  I had no warning that my father and I would share a bond of widowhood.  It is heartbreaking to know that the pain I felt is something my father is walking through.   

My mother was the one I called for everything.  It is incomprehensible that she is gone.  She was not sick long enough for me to even be used to her being sick.   

Today I wanted to make one of her recipes.  I am still accustomed to texting her for directions.   I texted my sister and she did not know.  I never imagined that there would be a day so soon that I would be without her.  

My mother enabled me to be a single parent.  She babysat, carted munchkin to therapy, cooked for us, had coffee with me in the mornings, she would talk to me in the evenings.  She gently helped me find my smile after Robert died.   She was a daily part of my life and of munchkin's life.  Those two had a special bond.   

Without her my heart is heavy.   Without her-being a widow is that much harder.  Watching my father be alone even though he will not lean on his children is nearly impossible.  I remember her smile and her grace and I hold to that.  

Forgive me if this year-Christmas is just simple.  More family, more prayers, more memories and definitely less stuff.  

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