Touched by loss. Empowered through community.

A Fresh Start

Tuesday, May 30, 2017
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A Fresh Start

It has been two and a half years since Steve was no longer with us.  I prefer to say no longer with us, since he suffered a traumatic injury which left him in an unconscious state until he ultimately passed away.

As I reflect on how much my daughters and I have accomplished since his death, it has been monumental.  I recently sold the business that he and I founded together, so I’ve been taking some time to consider the direction that I would like my life to take now that I am alone.  This is not such an easy thing.  I am trying to remember the things that I enjoyed doing both personally and professionally before I met Steve.  I am considering what my life will look like when my kids leave for college and ultimately my retirement.  However, mapping out my solo life isn’t so fun.

I have been cleaning out my entire house in preparation for a renovation project.  I am finally going to get my own bathroom.  With three daughters, I have been showering in the basement for 15 years. I think it’s time!!  I have not taken on any house maintenance or improvement projects since Steve died, mainly because work and solo parenting was all consuming.  It was funny how I didn’t seem to notice the clutter and dust accumulating until I had some space to breathe.  I have found this process to be empowering.  I feel like I now have a handle on the contents of my house and have a sense of order.  This renovation is a way to make the house “mine” and not “ours”.  I feel sad about that, but also excited to come home to something that I created for me.

Like most of us do, I did think about if I wanted to stay in my current house or move.  I knew I wanted to stay in my immediate neighborhood for school for my kids.  I liked the size of my house, location, neighbors and I have a park right across the street.  When Steve died, my daughter’s class donated a tree to be placed in the park in his honor with a plaque.  We were fortunate to have the tree planted right in front of our house.  During the holidays, anonymous friends put solar powered lights on the tree that still remain.  I love how the Steve tree twinkles at me each night when I come home.  Something about moving away from the tree was hard to do.  

All three of my daughters are graduating this year.  One from 6th grade, one from 8th grade and my oldest will be finishing her junior year which she spent away from home and will be returning home to finish her senior year.  Each of them has overcome major emotional hurdles in their healing process and they are finally winning.  I am so proud of them.  I know there will continue to be hard times ahead, plenty of tears and many moments where Steve’s absence is felt so profoundly, however right now the fog has lifted a bit and I am focused on our fresh start.

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