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Tuesday, April 18, 2017
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 Today we would've been married 18 years. Sometimes it seems like that was a lifetime ago. Robert has now been dead longer than we were ever married and I find that very hard to swallow.   At this point I don't know what life would be like if you were still here. I have been an only parent so long that it is hard for me to imagine it any other way.  

 We were married just a few weeks short of nine years a few weeks ago, it was nine years since he died. The world is different now, very different.    As time is past some memories have faded thankfully, however, it is still hard to believe that he has missed so much . 

 In the last few months we really could've used him.    Don't get me wrong, I do miss him every day and I wish he was here often, but the last few months have been exceptionally hard.    Hard not just on me, but on munchkin as well.    Don't get me wrong, my siblings are awesome and they've really been there for us-but it is almost comical when your brother or brother-in-law gets mistaken for your husband.    It is even more amusing because we really do look alike there's no way to not know that we are related in some way, shape or form.  

 On munchkin's last hospital stay he was actually well enough to go to the toy room and they had a PS4-something he doesn't have at home. The game he picked was Need for Speed and he played that for several hours over a few days. I am not a video game person but I did sit next to him and cheer him on and try to  stay engaged.   I couldn't help but wish that Robert were here to play with him. As hard as those few weeks have been I know that the two of them would've bonded over it and it made me miss him all the more.

 I was reflecting on all of the things that Robert is missing out on  and all of the things that munchkin is missing simply because he is not here.   Munchkin is of the age where video games and cool cars rule. He is constantly looking up stats on cars and deciding what he thinks is "sweet" and I know if Robert were here he would be doing that right along with him. Don't get me wrong, I can hold my own. I know what American muscle is and I certainly do enjoy cars  but I know that Robert would've loved this. He was built to be a father and yet he has missed out on nine years of parenting the easy stuff and the hard stuff and it simply is not fair.

While 18 years is a long time these last nine have been a lifetime, munchkins lifetime.   It isn't lost on me how much he is missed. All I can do is hope and pray that I am enough, that I do enough, and that munchkin knows  just how much he is loved. 

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