Touched by loss. Empowered through community.

Celebrations

Date: 
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Posted By: 
Deborah

It has been a whirlwind of a summer for me and my children. So many great changes that at times, I feel like I should be waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am told that I shouldn’t feel this way, and I realize that after so much hell, some good is bound to begin to occur. At times though, I question whether I deserve so much good. Should I be allowed to celebrate victories? Big ones such as new job in better school district, wonderful loving relationship. Small: H can buckle his own seatbelt and I is getting the hang of swimming J . And when these great celebrations are to occur, how can I get the feelings of guilt that Mike is not here to help in these celebrations out of my mind and heart?

I am just arriving back from an anniversary party for my in-laws. They will be married forty years this year. When it comes to joining in these festivities, I am always so hesitant. How will I feel being around all the people that loved and cared for Mike from when he was a baby? Will I be looked at strangely for the decisions I have made since Mike left this world? Do some of these family members blame me for his death? Questions go on and on. I know some of them may seem silly. If they really loved Mike, they should want me to be happy. If they really knew Mike, they would understand that my moving forward is something he would want me to do. But the hardest part of all is trying to see where I fit in. Half the time I find myself looking for my other half. He should be around. He should be there when the cake is being presented to my in-laws. I could hear him making a speech, saying how proud he is to call these two wonderful people his parents, and that he couldn’t have asked for better role models for what a true loving marriage looks like. Although these celebrations are occurring, I always go to the feeling of bitter-sweet. I can’t help it, I wish I had my husband. I know that he felt that marriage was something you worked on, stuck with. That if he was still here, I wouldn’t even question whether or not we would make it to forty years.

Guilt is a funny thing. There are times when I could not be happier that the stars are finally lining up for me and that I can look at things in a positive light. I just know that because Mike took his own life, I have to take my life and live it to its fullest. There are times in my day that I feel like I have to push myself to take baby steps, but I also feel that these times need to be celebrated. Big or small. It shouldn’t matter! One might ask if because I am moving forward, found new love, look to a brighter future, that I don’t stop and wonder how this has happened and will these feelings ever go away? I don’t think they ever will. Yet I am okay with that. I am okay with the fact that although I had no idea that Mike was even thinking about taking his own life, I will always look at celebrations being somewhat bittersweet. Hopefully more sweet than bitter.

Comments

Just wonderful. Nothing more!!

I loved what you said about living your life to the fullest. It's going to look different to different people in our past life. Growth looks different, and all of that is ok, isn't it. So why do we second guess ourselves? I guess it's part of being a widow. I'm slowly coming to terms with that. Nicely written blog.

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