Touched by loss. Empowered through community.

Birthdays Shared

Monday, March 10, 2014
Posted By: 
Deborah Giudara

There have been so many emotions, so many lows, so many highs, and many in betweens. Trying to keep a balance of it all can make a sane person crazy. Today, I am feeling crazy. I feel torn between my past and my future. A lot of the time, I try to check in with my feelings, acknowledge them, and them tuck them away not allowing myself to linger in the emotions for too long. It isn’t an easy task and looking at my widowed journey thus far, I now have to take into account the feelings of my future spouse. My writing, my posting ideas or remembrances to Facebook all have some effect on him as well, and part of me wants to say “too bad, this is what it is, deal with it” while the other part of me wants to say “I understand, I wouldn’t want to be in your position and I greatly appreciate all you do for me.” Trying to be sensitive to what situation we are in can be a large task.

I have read many blog posts written by young widows and they have really helped me see light when all seems quite dark. One blog post that stuck out greatly was one written by a gentleman about his plea to his dead wife to please know that although she will always stay young, please look for him and be willing to accept him when he finally joins her as an old man. This has been on my mind a lot the past few weeks as I turn 35 today. Mike will always remain 34 in my mind and although we always shared our birthday celebration together and he would’ve turned 37 yesterday, today, he still is 34 in my mind. I will always be older than him from this day forward. I will continue to live, continue to age. I will also move forward and re-marry. I wonder if when we leave this world if that matters if someone has had more than one spouse. Can all be reunited together? Will our spirits find one another and rejoice to be together again? These questions are ones I ponder.

I know that birthdays can be looked at as just another day (and as I get older, that is fine by me!), but knowing that Mike will never celebrate another year wiser with me is saddening. I am grateful to be alive, and I still get so angry at Mike for not being with us for crazy ass reasons, but I do hope that one day if/when we are reunited, my age and my 2nd chapter can all join in together and just be happy… is that too much to ask?  I don’t think so!


This post resonated with me as my first birthday without my husband, my Joe, comes to me in a few weeks. We were together 14 years. And now I face a whole new chapter of my life without him. He always talked about his "jesus" year - when he turned 33. We aren't religious, by any means, but he put significance on this age. Now I'm about to turn 33 and it's ever present on my mind. It's only been 8 months so I still don't know quite what life without him means but I'm hopeful (?). Right now life is mechanical - wake up, go to work, come home. I don't get excited about much. I hope (and know?) that should change some day but for now it is what it is. Another day, another month, another year, another birthday. If anyone has advice on how to get through those incessant milestones, I"m all ears. I know time is key. I know that. But that doesn't help now, in this moment. Advice?

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