Touched by loss. Empowered through community.

Another Year Gone By

Date: 
Monday, January 13, 2014
Posted By: 
Deborah

Another year gone. The pain is still very strong at times. This past holiday season was quite difficult. I threw myself a huge pity party. Not only was it the holidays, but my would have been ten year wedding anniversary was included in the mix along with the day Mike went missing/gone forever. The “deathiversary” was two days in my reality. Mike decided to leave this world on the 29th. But it took two days to find him so legally the date is written as the 31st.  The most frustrating thing though is how low I got. My pity party lasted longer than even I anticipated… I am still crawling out of the hole I spiraled down.

Another year gone. I must admit, I was a bit shocked by how upset I was beginning to feel the week leading up to all the hard days I am left to face every December. Reflecting, it makes sense. I actually allowed myself utter happiness again so to face the reality of Mike taking his life, taking it around so many happy occasions (kids birthdays too), I could not help but feel strong emotion in the wrong direction. One article I read recently spoke to something very close to these strong emotions. People will tell you over and over that time heals all wounds. In the article, the woman says she does not believe this. She wrote how time doesn’t matter. There will always be a scent, a memory, a feeling that will bring you right back to the trauma and make you feel like you are reliving the whole experience again. What can heal is breathing. By focusing on oneself, and to continue to breathe, we can face these strong emotions and pass them once more. I could not agree more with that!

Another year gone. Children celebrating another birthday without their father. I am picking myself up as this new year begins and I am feeling grateful to not have to do it alone this time. Overall, I can look at the world as a happy place. I can see what good can come out of hard work and determination. I do not think I will ever fully understand what Mike did. I can just feel grateful that two of the gifts he gave me are by my side. And I am sure he would want us to celebrate the fact that they are here to turn another year older.

Another year gone. Just breathe! I keep repeating it. I keep doing it. I will pull myself out of the hole I created. I have to! I have a birthday party to plan: ).

Comments

Debbie, I love reading your blogs. It allows us far away to somehow be with you, feel your pain, and pray for you,the kids and Howard. These past several years have been the hardest of your life, and what you're feeling and are experiencing is so normal! It says so much about you as a person and the caring, loving individual you are. I know you hear time and time again, to be strong, but you already ARE strong! Its okay to fall from time to time, it clearly demonstrates the love you had for mike. Breath, talk, cry, its all okay! You WILL pull yourself up because that is just what you do. You are very loved and you are in no way alone. Mikes memory will always be with you but over time you will make new beautiful memories with Howard and that will make the pain lessen. My beautiful little cousin........ my heart just breaks for what you have had to live through, but I know you CAN get through this! We love you and will pray for all this pain to pass quickly! Now YOU my dear concentrate on planning birthday parties!!!!!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

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